Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
