I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
