you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
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