I met the friendliest cop last night
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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