census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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