I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I want you more than these girls want KFC
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
