girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
