I'm eating all of the evidence.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
