Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
