My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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