this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
