i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
