the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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