I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Houston, we have a squirter
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
