So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
