I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize