my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
