i already hear my dad disowning me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
