I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
