I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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