I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
