Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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