i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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