I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
