remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
