Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize