Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
