I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Your face is a jimmy john
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
