I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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