There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
