Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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