he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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