Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
