my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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