I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
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