only if we run a train.
done.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
