just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
