i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
