If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
