I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's shark week go big or go home
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
