why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
