Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
