allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
