There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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