we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize