i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
