and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
