i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
