Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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