1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
where are my eyebrows?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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