Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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