I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
