We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize