you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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