How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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