I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
