The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just high enough for therapy.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We need a shit load of segways right now
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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